Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
