I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
