sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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