our cab driver is having phone sex.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
