chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
