I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
