Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
