I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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