Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
