i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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