I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
