3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
