I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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