even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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