If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
