I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
