my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
