I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
