he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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