remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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