Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I pour the whiskey from now on
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
