If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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