JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
