what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
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