Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
