It's Friday. Sex?
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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