"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
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