I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
