I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
she woke up with a sticky ear
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize
