I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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