The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
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