He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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