My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
