I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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