you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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