the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
