New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
