so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
