I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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