So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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