Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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