i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
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