i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
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