Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
