Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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