i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Of course I have a pirate flag
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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