Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
