Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
