tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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