I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
