I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
