when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
