So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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