I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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